A Better Way

I haven't written much about my grandmother's death. That pain is still too fresh. The sense of loss is still there, most every day. Little things constantly set me off.

Today for instance, I was listening to Patty Griffin's song, Goodbye. Even though its only been a few months, not a couple years, it applied:

Occurred to me the other day,
You've been gone now a couple years,
Well, I guess it takes a while,
For someone to really disappear.

I remember where we were,
when the word came about you,
It was a day much like today,
The sky was bright wide and blue.

And I wonder where you are, and if the pain ends when you die,
I wonder if there was,
Some better way to say goodbye.

Today my heart is big and sore,
Just trying to push out from my skin,
I won't see you anymore,
I guess that's finally sinking in.

You can't make somebody see,
With the simple words you say,
All their beauty from within,
Sometimes they just look away.

And I wonder where you are, and if the pain ends when you die,
I wonder if there was,
Some better way to say goodbye.
Some better way to say goodbye.

Some better way to say goodbye. I hugged her, told her I loved her, kissed her. I couldn't stop the tears. So many times over the last two years this scene had played out; always possibly for the last time, but never quite sure. A better way? I'm sure there was, though I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

I cried most of the way out of Hamilton that last time I said goodbye. Just as I cried most of my lunch hour away today. I wish I could lay my head in her lap as I would as a child. Hug her as I would when I came home to visit after moving off to Indiana.

There was a moment at the funeral, as we sang the hymn, where I'm sure I heard her voice, rising just a bit over the chorus of the gathered. I could always pick her voice out of a crowd. That day was no different.

What I wouldn't give for just that one moment back...